It's no secret that consistency is something that I struggle with. Doubt me? Look at the track record but I won't point that out here....not the point. :) A while back I kept track of my weight loss goals and milestones and like many other things, that took a back seat to other things that seemed more captivating.
That being said, I will be using this blog as my sense of accountability with it. To keep track of the journey of getting unfat....again. Yes, I know unfat isn't a word but since when has that stopped me before? Some might view it as getting healthy and yes, that's the number one focus. To be healthy and in good shape. The goal is to do another half in January or February of 2012 but to get in that condition, it will require the start of training and losing weight. Sadly, they go hand in hand. :D
Lately, I've had a pity party in this aspect of my life. Allowing myself to feel defeated because I've completely reversed all the good done since 09. That was accepting the circumstance and not conquering. No more. That crap is for the birds. It doesn't define me. Christ defines me based on the sacrifice He made for our sins on the cross. The future doesn't define me (regardless of if I'm ever super thin, married, huge, single, etc). Matthew 6:33-34 is my new core verse. "33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
With that, it's not about the circumstances, it's about God's purpose & bringing glory to Him. Here's to becoming healthy and getting thin to accomplish more things that He has allowed me more time on this earth to do. To glorify Him in living life...in order to do that, being healthy is a must.
WOO HOO! Here's to new mercies and new opportunities. I have to believe....He's got it.
*Jen
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
HIS timing.
I find it humorous that I so often try to plan things out and try to imagine where I'll be down the road. Whether it's next week or next year, I really have no clue. A year ago, I was going to team meetings for a dear friend's Tres Dias weekend, working part time and going to school full time. Little did I know that a new friend would invite me to her small group about a week later and then so much would change. I was also still coming to terms with the fact that my file would be closed with the adoption reunion registry due to no response from either biological parent. Since then, I have a full time job in Chattanooga, a new church family, have met my biological mother (& the rest of our biological family on that side), spoken to my biological father on multiple occasions and have moved to Chattanooga and basically started a new life for myself...only by the grace and guidance of God.
Had someone told me a year ago that this is where I'd be, I would have laughed at them...a lot. It all comes down to HIS timing and HIS grace. That's the only explanation as to why I'm here now. Recently I have doubted the decision to move and questioned the reasons of this transition. Sadly, I must admit that I had let frustration set in on with where God has me. Ready for this? I'm not perfect and am far from it actually. Shocking, I know. :) It's mind blowing to sit back and think about the fact that He has a plan. Always has, always will. Not only does he have a plan, but it's not a plan that will change on a whim. With that, after some fit pitching and venting...and major needed time in the word, I'm making the choice to embrace what HIS timing has brought. Thankfully, He knows what He is doing. What's next? Don't as me. :)
Had someone told me a year ago that this is where I'd be, I would have laughed at them...a lot. It all comes down to HIS timing and HIS grace. That's the only explanation as to why I'm here now. Recently I have doubted the decision to move and questioned the reasons of this transition. Sadly, I must admit that I had let frustration set in on with where God has me. Ready for this? I'm not perfect and am far from it actually. Shocking, I know. :) It's mind blowing to sit back and think about the fact that He has a plan. Always has, always will. Not only does he have a plan, but it's not a plan that will change on a whim. With that, after some fit pitching and venting...and major needed time in the word, I'm making the choice to embrace what HIS timing has brought. Thankfully, He knows what He is doing. What's next? Don't as me. :)
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Really?
It's been over a week since the letter was mailed and I can honestly tell you that I'm still amazed at what God has done and is continuing to do. He's had this entire situation worked out since before my birth.
I got a phone call last Friday afternoon and when I sit and think hard about it, I still cry a little. Good/happy tears though. The phone call was from my biological mother. It's still so hard to believe that I have now spoken with her multiple times. Everything has still been surreal until the last day or so. Yes, things are still sinking in but nerves are starting to make me very ancy(sp?).
I won't put too many personal details in but she did say she knew that day would always come. She ended up telling my older brother later that day and he received the news really well. Surprisingly, I got a message from his girlfriend just hours after I spoke to my biological mother and she's been so sweet! I've talked to both of them and it's been very encouraging. My older brother and I have mutual friends and it's all so funny to think about how we look so much alike but no one would have ever thought to put the pieces together.
It's comforting to know that my biological mother knew who I was my entire life, somehow. She basically kept tabs on me up until I moved...she even knew about my wreck. For so long I struggled with wondering why I was given up and I think that led to a lot of insecurities and fear of rejection growing up and even still today. That's just how my mind was twisting the reality. I found out when I was 17 as to why she gave me up and I'm forever grateful for what she did. It was the best thing for her, my bro. and me.
I'll be meeting my biological mother next Saturday for dinner and then the rest of her side of the family the following weekend. Am I nervous? Absofreakinlutely! But I know that things will be alright. God didn't bring us this far for things to unravel. Here's the more pieces fitting together!
I got a phone call last Friday afternoon and when I sit and think hard about it, I still cry a little. Good/happy tears though. The phone call was from my biological mother. It's still so hard to believe that I have now spoken with her multiple times. Everything has still been surreal until the last day or so. Yes, things are still sinking in but nerves are starting to make me very ancy(sp?).
I won't put too many personal details in but she did say she knew that day would always come. She ended up telling my older brother later that day and he received the news really well. Surprisingly, I got a message from his girlfriend just hours after I spoke to my biological mother and she's been so sweet! I've talked to both of them and it's been very encouraging. My older brother and I have mutual friends and it's all so funny to think about how we look so much alike but no one would have ever thought to put the pieces together.
It's comforting to know that my biological mother knew who I was my entire life, somehow. She basically kept tabs on me up until I moved...she even knew about my wreck. For so long I struggled with wondering why I was given up and I think that led to a lot of insecurities and fear of rejection growing up and even still today. That's just how my mind was twisting the reality. I found out when I was 17 as to why she gave me up and I'm forever grateful for what she did. It was the best thing for her, my bro. and me.
I'll be meeting my biological mother next Saturday for dinner and then the rest of her side of the family the following weekend. Am I nervous? Absofreakinlutely! But I know that things will be alright. God didn't bring us this far for things to unravel. Here's the more pieces fitting together!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Blah
That's how I feel tonight, just blah. I'm second guessing my decision to send the letter all together. Should I have done that? Did that add more pressure to my biological mother to make a decision she didn't want to make? Was that fair to her? This is all assuming she signs for the letter.
I feel as though I was too selfish in sending the letter. It's nice knowing that I tried every way possible but that's making it only about me. I'm now worried that she might feel ashamed for the past or of what her son will think of her IF she tells him. Too little too late now. Searching for them might have been a mistake but I can't take it back. HOPEfully, things will go smoothly one way or another and hearts will be guarded no matter what.
I feel as though I was too selfish in sending the letter. It's nice knowing that I tried every way possible but that's making it only about me. I'm now worried that she might feel ashamed for the past or of what her son will think of her IF she tells him. Too little too late now. Searching for them might have been a mistake but I can't take it back. HOPEfully, things will go smoothly one way or another and hearts will be guarded no matter what.
Perspective
I'm selfish. There, I said it. I don't like trying to see things from the perspectives of others at times because then I have to be understanding. For a while now I didn't think very highly of my biological father because as far as I understood, he was the jerk that didn't care enough to even sign away his rights to me.
A week ago, not only did I find him but I found out that he has been under the impression for the last 25 years that I was aborted. His and his family's world was turned upside down last week when I found him on Facebook. I can't imagine what that feels like. I've known about him my whole life, well, just the fact that he was out there somewhere. He had no real clue about me. Needless to say, it's been interesting getting to know him through messaging. Last night , I got to have a verbal conversation I NEVER thought would happen. HOPED for but after multiple failed attempts to find him, did I really think it would take place? Not really.
It was so strange but in a good way. He asked how I was handling all of the information from the past week and then asked about how my family was taking it all. He seems considerate and thankful. His family seems to be adjusting to the shock of everything so far and hopefully will continue to do so. As for what's next, just getting to know everyone...I guess. Still not sure what to do with all of this.
Today...Today's a day that my biological mother will probably get the letter I sent her. I'm so nervous. I want so badly to get a call from her tonight. If this is the only call she ever makes, I think I'd be ok with that. I have no clue as to how she's going to react to the letter. Maybe it will help nudge her to tell my half brother about me. If not, she has her reasons and I can't blame/judge her for that. Seeing things from her perspective are just as difficult because I don't know what it would feel like to have given a child up over 25 years ago and then have that child try to find me. More waiting...
Peace, that's what I feel because I've now made every attempt to find both sides of my biological family. It's a wonderful and strange feeling but I'll take it. I'm so thankful for God's timing in this and am still so excited about what He has in store for the future. Hope for the future is NEVER lost.
A week ago, not only did I find him but I found out that he has been under the impression for the last 25 years that I was aborted. His and his family's world was turned upside down last week when I found him on Facebook. I can't imagine what that feels like. I've known about him my whole life, well, just the fact that he was out there somewhere. He had no real clue about me. Needless to say, it's been interesting getting to know him through messaging. Last night , I got to have a verbal conversation I NEVER thought would happen. HOPED for but after multiple failed attempts to find him, did I really think it would take place? Not really.
It was so strange but in a good way. He asked how I was handling all of the information from the past week and then asked about how my family was taking it all. He seems considerate and thankful. His family seems to be adjusting to the shock of everything so far and hopefully will continue to do so. As for what's next, just getting to know everyone...I guess. Still not sure what to do with all of this.
Today...Today's a day that my biological mother will probably get the letter I sent her. I'm so nervous. I want so badly to get a call from her tonight. If this is the only call she ever makes, I think I'd be ok with that. I have no clue as to how she's going to react to the letter. Maybe it will help nudge her to tell my half brother about me. If not, she has her reasons and I can't blame/judge her for that. Seeing things from her perspective are just as difficult because I don't know what it would feel like to have given a child up over 25 years ago and then have that child try to find me. More waiting...
Peace, that's what I feel because I've now made every attempt to find both sides of my biological family. It's a wonderful and strange feeling but I'll take it. I'm so thankful for God's timing in this and am still so excited about what He has in store for the future. Hope for the future is NEVER lost.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Now What?
Today was the day that confirmed it all. I can now say that I know who my entire immediate biological family is! It's the strangest thing and I'm still at a loss for the proper description. I'm definitely thankful to now have answers but now what? What am I supposed to do with all of the information that I have? Where do we all go from here? I never thought about that...I just focused on finding them, not what would follow...
As for things with my biological father and his family, we're just going to take things slowly and get to know one another. He seems very happy to have this chance now and his wife and daughter have taken it well.
I'll be sending a letter to my biological mother tomorrow that basically says that I found my biological father and with talking to him and the info. I've gathered over the years, I was able to find out who she and my brother are. Now that 2 people in that area know, other than me, there's always the chance of it getting out in a small town. I just don't want either of them to be caught off guard. Especially if she never told him, which I don't think she did. I HOPE she will tell him but am trying to be understanding of the fact that she will have her reasons if she chooses not to. I would love to develop a friendship with them as well but only time will tell.
The next week or so will be a great time to continue to just take it all in and process all that has transpired since Wednesday and to try and figure out what the next steps should and will be. I know for certain that I am thankful that God has brought me this far and isn't finished with this yet. As Nancy said, "He's an on time God." So finding out all of this now has been for a reason. What's next? No clue but I have a peace now to have some of the answers I've been longing for over the years. Thank you Lord!
As for things with my biological father and his family, we're just going to take things slowly and get to know one another. He seems very happy to have this chance now and his wife and daughter have taken it well.
I'll be sending a letter to my biological mother tomorrow that basically says that I found my biological father and with talking to him and the info. I've gathered over the years, I was able to find out who she and my brother are. Now that 2 people in that area know, other than me, there's always the chance of it getting out in a small town. I just don't want either of them to be caught off guard. Especially if she never told him, which I don't think she did. I HOPE she will tell him but am trying to be understanding of the fact that she will have her reasons if she chooses not to. I would love to develop a friendship with them as well but only time will tell.
The next week or so will be a great time to continue to just take it all in and process all that has transpired since Wednesday and to try and figure out what the next steps should and will be. I know for certain that I am thankful that God has brought me this far and isn't finished with this yet. As Nancy said, "He's an on time God." So finding out all of this now has been for a reason. What's next? No clue but I have a peace now to have some of the answers I've been longing for over the years. Thank you Lord!
Confirmation...Well, kinda.
Wow. Later on Friday night, after posting the last one, I received confirmation on names and am 99.9% sure of who my biological birth mother and half brother are. Little things are still clicking and it's the strangest feeling. Unless this is one of the biggest coincidences EVER, I found my entire immediate biological family within 4 days! Did you catch that? 4 DAYS!
In some ways I feel as though I expected and others, not at all. In all honesty, I thought I'd be perfectly happy just know who they were and that they're ok. I'm glad they're ok, from what I can tell, but I want more. I long to know them and what they're like. I know that I favor what she used to look like (from what my bio. father says) and look a lot like the bio. brother now. I also know that my half bro. is musically inclined. But I want to know their passions and personalities. I know that they're both believers though so that's a wonderful thing! As for my bio. father, I'm not sure yet. Waiting to ask that question because I don't know what his experiences with the church has been.
This week, we're hoping to hear back from the registry to confirm a few things. Then I guess we'll do a DNA test but I really have no clue. As for my bio. mother and brother, I am not sure what to do. I'm going to talk to the registry to see what they suggest but I think I'm going to ask them to contact her so she'll know that I know who they are. I had people looking into it for me so they know as well. I trust they won't tell but don't want my bio. brother to find out from anyone other than her.
I really wish I knew someone who had been in a similar situation. It's all still a weird feeling...and so many emotions all at once. Not a horrible feeling. Yes, there are some fears and concerns I have but I'm thankful to know all that I know now.
I got a message from my bio. father last night about his biological family. Turns out he was the product of a one night stand and his dad was in the Navy. I couldn't help but laugh and be thankful that generational thing stopped with me.
Today is when I'm hoping to hear something from the Registry and let them know about my knowledge of my bio. mother & bother. Hopefully they can give me some guidance on what the next step would be. I know what I WANT to do, but I doubt that's what I SHOULD do.
Thanks again to everyone for your prayers and encouragement.
Love-Jen.
In some ways I feel as though I expected and others, not at all. In all honesty, I thought I'd be perfectly happy just know who they were and that they're ok. I'm glad they're ok, from what I can tell, but I want more. I long to know them and what they're like. I know that I favor what she used to look like (from what my bio. father says) and look a lot like the bio. brother now. I also know that my half bro. is musically inclined. But I want to know their passions and personalities. I know that they're both believers though so that's a wonderful thing! As for my bio. father, I'm not sure yet. Waiting to ask that question because I don't know what his experiences with the church has been.
This week, we're hoping to hear back from the registry to confirm a few things. Then I guess we'll do a DNA test but I really have no clue. As for my bio. mother and brother, I am not sure what to do. I'm going to talk to the registry to see what they suggest but I think I'm going to ask them to contact her so she'll know that I know who they are. I had people looking into it for me so they know as well. I trust they won't tell but don't want my bio. brother to find out from anyone other than her.
I really wish I knew someone who had been in a similar situation. It's all still a weird feeling...and so many emotions all at once. Not a horrible feeling. Yes, there are some fears and concerns I have but I'm thankful to know all that I know now.
I got a message from my bio. father last night about his biological family. Turns out he was the product of a one night stand and his dad was in the Navy. I couldn't help but laugh and be thankful that generational thing stopped with me.
Today is when I'm hoping to hear something from the Registry and let them know about my knowledge of my bio. mother & bother. Hopefully they can give me some guidance on what the next step would be. I know what I WANT to do, but I doubt that's what I SHOULD do.
Thanks again to everyone for your prayers and encouragement.
Love-Jen.
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