That's how I feel tonight, just blah. I'm second guessing my decision to send the letter all together. Should I have done that? Did that add more pressure to my biological mother to make a decision she didn't want to make? Was that fair to her? This is all assuming she signs for the letter.
I feel as though I was too selfish in sending the letter. It's nice knowing that I tried every way possible but that's making it only about me. I'm now worried that she might feel ashamed for the past or of what her son will think of her IF she tells him. Too little too late now. Searching for them might have been a mistake but I can't take it back. HOPEfully, things will go smoothly one way or another and hearts will be guarded no matter what.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Perspective
I'm selfish. There, I said it. I don't like trying to see things from the perspectives of others at times because then I have to be understanding. For a while now I didn't think very highly of my biological father because as far as I understood, he was the jerk that didn't care enough to even sign away his rights to me.
A week ago, not only did I find him but I found out that he has been under the impression for the last 25 years that I was aborted. His and his family's world was turned upside down last week when I found him on Facebook. I can't imagine what that feels like. I've known about him my whole life, well, just the fact that he was out there somewhere. He had no real clue about me. Needless to say, it's been interesting getting to know him through messaging. Last night , I got to have a verbal conversation I NEVER thought would happen. HOPED for but after multiple failed attempts to find him, did I really think it would take place? Not really.
It was so strange but in a good way. He asked how I was handling all of the information from the past week and then asked about how my family was taking it all. He seems considerate and thankful. His family seems to be adjusting to the shock of everything so far and hopefully will continue to do so. As for what's next, just getting to know everyone...I guess. Still not sure what to do with all of this.
Today...Today's a day that my biological mother will probably get the letter I sent her. I'm so nervous. I want so badly to get a call from her tonight. If this is the only call she ever makes, I think I'd be ok with that. I have no clue as to how she's going to react to the letter. Maybe it will help nudge her to tell my half brother about me. If not, she has her reasons and I can't blame/judge her for that. Seeing things from her perspective are just as difficult because I don't know what it would feel like to have given a child up over 25 years ago and then have that child try to find me. More waiting...
Peace, that's what I feel because I've now made every attempt to find both sides of my biological family. It's a wonderful and strange feeling but I'll take it. I'm so thankful for God's timing in this and am still so excited about what He has in store for the future. Hope for the future is NEVER lost.
A week ago, not only did I find him but I found out that he has been under the impression for the last 25 years that I was aborted. His and his family's world was turned upside down last week when I found him on Facebook. I can't imagine what that feels like. I've known about him my whole life, well, just the fact that he was out there somewhere. He had no real clue about me. Needless to say, it's been interesting getting to know him through messaging. Last night , I got to have a verbal conversation I NEVER thought would happen. HOPED for but after multiple failed attempts to find him, did I really think it would take place? Not really.
It was so strange but in a good way. He asked how I was handling all of the information from the past week and then asked about how my family was taking it all. He seems considerate and thankful. His family seems to be adjusting to the shock of everything so far and hopefully will continue to do so. As for what's next, just getting to know everyone...I guess. Still not sure what to do with all of this.
Today...Today's a day that my biological mother will probably get the letter I sent her. I'm so nervous. I want so badly to get a call from her tonight. If this is the only call she ever makes, I think I'd be ok with that. I have no clue as to how she's going to react to the letter. Maybe it will help nudge her to tell my half brother about me. If not, she has her reasons and I can't blame/judge her for that. Seeing things from her perspective are just as difficult because I don't know what it would feel like to have given a child up over 25 years ago and then have that child try to find me. More waiting...
Peace, that's what I feel because I've now made every attempt to find both sides of my biological family. It's a wonderful and strange feeling but I'll take it. I'm so thankful for God's timing in this and am still so excited about what He has in store for the future. Hope for the future is NEVER lost.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Now What?
Today was the day that confirmed it all. I can now say that I know who my entire immediate biological family is! It's the strangest thing and I'm still at a loss for the proper description. I'm definitely thankful to now have answers but now what? What am I supposed to do with all of the information that I have? Where do we all go from here? I never thought about that...I just focused on finding them, not what would follow...
As for things with my biological father and his family, we're just going to take things slowly and get to know one another. He seems very happy to have this chance now and his wife and daughter have taken it well.
I'll be sending a letter to my biological mother tomorrow that basically says that I found my biological father and with talking to him and the info. I've gathered over the years, I was able to find out who she and my brother are. Now that 2 people in that area know, other than me, there's always the chance of it getting out in a small town. I just don't want either of them to be caught off guard. Especially if she never told him, which I don't think she did. I HOPE she will tell him but am trying to be understanding of the fact that she will have her reasons if she chooses not to. I would love to develop a friendship with them as well but only time will tell.
The next week or so will be a great time to continue to just take it all in and process all that has transpired since Wednesday and to try and figure out what the next steps should and will be. I know for certain that I am thankful that God has brought me this far and isn't finished with this yet. As Nancy said, "He's an on time God." So finding out all of this now has been for a reason. What's next? No clue but I have a peace now to have some of the answers I've been longing for over the years. Thank you Lord!
As for things with my biological father and his family, we're just going to take things slowly and get to know one another. He seems very happy to have this chance now and his wife and daughter have taken it well.
I'll be sending a letter to my biological mother tomorrow that basically says that I found my biological father and with talking to him and the info. I've gathered over the years, I was able to find out who she and my brother are. Now that 2 people in that area know, other than me, there's always the chance of it getting out in a small town. I just don't want either of them to be caught off guard. Especially if she never told him, which I don't think she did. I HOPE she will tell him but am trying to be understanding of the fact that she will have her reasons if she chooses not to. I would love to develop a friendship with them as well but only time will tell.
The next week or so will be a great time to continue to just take it all in and process all that has transpired since Wednesday and to try and figure out what the next steps should and will be. I know for certain that I am thankful that God has brought me this far and isn't finished with this yet. As Nancy said, "He's an on time God." So finding out all of this now has been for a reason. What's next? No clue but I have a peace now to have some of the answers I've been longing for over the years. Thank you Lord!
Confirmation...Well, kinda.
Wow. Later on Friday night, after posting the last one, I received confirmation on names and am 99.9% sure of who my biological birth mother and half brother are. Little things are still clicking and it's the strangest feeling. Unless this is one of the biggest coincidences EVER, I found my entire immediate biological family within 4 days! Did you catch that? 4 DAYS!
In some ways I feel as though I expected and others, not at all. In all honesty, I thought I'd be perfectly happy just know who they were and that they're ok. I'm glad they're ok, from what I can tell, but I want more. I long to know them and what they're like. I know that I favor what she used to look like (from what my bio. father says) and look a lot like the bio. brother now. I also know that my half bro. is musically inclined. But I want to know their passions and personalities. I know that they're both believers though so that's a wonderful thing! As for my bio. father, I'm not sure yet. Waiting to ask that question because I don't know what his experiences with the church has been.
This week, we're hoping to hear back from the registry to confirm a few things. Then I guess we'll do a DNA test but I really have no clue. As for my bio. mother and brother, I am not sure what to do. I'm going to talk to the registry to see what they suggest but I think I'm going to ask them to contact her so she'll know that I know who they are. I had people looking into it for me so they know as well. I trust they won't tell but don't want my bio. brother to find out from anyone other than her.
I really wish I knew someone who had been in a similar situation. It's all still a weird feeling...and so many emotions all at once. Not a horrible feeling. Yes, there are some fears and concerns I have but I'm thankful to know all that I know now.
I got a message from my bio. father last night about his biological family. Turns out he was the product of a one night stand and his dad was in the Navy. I couldn't help but laugh and be thankful that generational thing stopped with me.
Today is when I'm hoping to hear something from the Registry and let them know about my knowledge of my bio. mother & bother. Hopefully they can give me some guidance on what the next step would be. I know what I WANT to do, but I doubt that's what I SHOULD do.
Thanks again to everyone for your prayers and encouragement.
Love-Jen.
In some ways I feel as though I expected and others, not at all. In all honesty, I thought I'd be perfectly happy just know who they were and that they're ok. I'm glad they're ok, from what I can tell, but I want more. I long to know them and what they're like. I know that I favor what she used to look like (from what my bio. father says) and look a lot like the bio. brother now. I also know that my half bro. is musically inclined. But I want to know their passions and personalities. I know that they're both believers though so that's a wonderful thing! As for my bio. father, I'm not sure yet. Waiting to ask that question because I don't know what his experiences with the church has been.
This week, we're hoping to hear back from the registry to confirm a few things. Then I guess we'll do a DNA test but I really have no clue. As for my bio. mother and brother, I am not sure what to do. I'm going to talk to the registry to see what they suggest but I think I'm going to ask them to contact her so she'll know that I know who they are. I had people looking into it for me so they know as well. I trust they won't tell but don't want my bio. brother to find out from anyone other than her.
I really wish I knew someone who had been in a similar situation. It's all still a weird feeling...and so many emotions all at once. Not a horrible feeling. Yes, there are some fears and concerns I have but I'm thankful to know all that I know now.
I got a message from my bio. father last night about his biological family. Turns out he was the product of a one night stand and his dad was in the Navy. I couldn't help but laugh and be thankful that generational thing stopped with me.
Today is when I'm hoping to hear something from the Registry and let them know about my knowledge of my bio. mother & bother. Hopefully they can give me some guidance on what the next step would be. I know what I WANT to do, but I doubt that's what I SHOULD do.
Thanks again to everyone for your prayers and encouragement.
Love-Jen.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Hope For The Future is NEVER Lost
I read that line in one of my bibles. It was at the end of the Hosea introduction section. This was about 2 weeks ago and God has continued to give me the word "Hope" since then.
There's going to be a lot of "IFs" in this one so be ready...plus it might get kinda lengthy but oh well, so do most of my conversations. :)
I started an official search for my biological parents in May of 2009. After one week, they found my birth mother but she wasn't sure how she felt about contact because my biological half (older) brother didn't know I existed. He was just under the age of 2 when I was born. The registry was unable to locate my birth father because of the limited information that was provided back then.
On Tuesday night, I messaged a few men with the name of my biological father. I just asked if he was in the Army and stationed @ Ft. Benning back in 84/85. I got a response back from one of them..."Yes, I was." That then led to me telling him I was looking for my biological father and his response was so unexpected. He was shocked but excited because he was under the impression that the pregnancy had been terminated when it was actually his birth rights to me. As for how I found out his name, let's just say it's good to be from a small town...someone messed up and mentioned his name in a voicemail when I was trying to get my records opened. I didn't feel the need to tell her she broke the law. :) I actually deleted that voicemail within the last week. I had been saving it just because it was the only proof I had of his name.
My potential biological father is now married and has a 21 year old daughter. His wife and daughter have taken the unexpected news very well. So IF he's my biological father, I have a biological half (younger) sister...wow.
LOTS of the puzzle pieces seem to be fitting together and if this isn't him, I'm going to be extremely shocked. According to him, I look a lot like my biological mother. I believe that b/c when the Ga. Reunion Adoption Registry found her last May and she gave a physical description of herself that was a lot like my own.
IF, this man turns out to be my biological father, my biological mother is probably from my hometown. I was thinking for the last several years that she was from Carroll County and was looking there for info on my half brother. IF all this checks out, I have a good idea as to who my biological half brother is. We look a lot alike...I'm hoping to find out the name of the guy's mom over the weekend. IF it is what my potential biological father said, a lot more will check off...IF not, there are still possibilities in this.
A sweet friend told me a few times during the past 2 days that, "He's an on time God." She's so right and I'm so thankful for that reminder and I get caught up in the excitement and more waiting.
In all honesty, the excitement is starting to settle and reality is setting in. So many things I thought about my potential biological father(IF this turns out to be him), are probably wrong. He does care that I'm alive and well. He had no clue that I even existed up until 2 days ago. The fact that they couldn't find him in time, is more proof that God intended me to be with the Godwin family and I couldn't be more thankful for that. I even told my potential birth father that had he gotten to pick, he couldn't have picked a better one for me.
I could actually know who my biological half brother is and I must say, I'm so relieved to know that I never dated him when I still lived in Haralson County. Ha! Like I said, many pieces seem to be fitting together but only time will tell. I didn't know it was possible to feel so many different emotions all at once...overwhelmed, excitement, joy, confusion, exhaustion (not much sleep has taken place, but it's been worth it), and etc.
Another thing that came to mind is what IF, this woman is my birth mother but was with other men during that time? This kind man, who firmly believes that I'm his biological daughter, might not be my biological father after all. Either way, a DNA test will be done at some point.
Here's to a weekend of even more prayer and reading more as more waiting continues.
As for my family...they're amazing. They have been nothing but encouraging and supportive over the last 25 years as I have always been curious about my biological family. They're really excited (& cautious) about the process and I couldn't be more thankful for all they've done.
Thanks again to everyone who's been praying during this time!
There's going to be a lot of "IFs" in this one so be ready...plus it might get kinda lengthy but oh well, so do most of my conversations. :)
I started an official search for my biological parents in May of 2009. After one week, they found my birth mother but she wasn't sure how she felt about contact because my biological half (older) brother didn't know I existed. He was just under the age of 2 when I was born. The registry was unable to locate my birth father because of the limited information that was provided back then.
On Tuesday night, I messaged a few men with the name of my biological father. I just asked if he was in the Army and stationed @ Ft. Benning back in 84/85. I got a response back from one of them..."Yes, I was." That then led to me telling him I was looking for my biological father and his response was so unexpected. He was shocked but excited because he was under the impression that the pregnancy had been terminated when it was actually his birth rights to me. As for how I found out his name, let's just say it's good to be from a small town...someone messed up and mentioned his name in a voicemail when I was trying to get my records opened. I didn't feel the need to tell her she broke the law. :) I actually deleted that voicemail within the last week. I had been saving it just because it was the only proof I had of his name.
My potential biological father is now married and has a 21 year old daughter. His wife and daughter have taken the unexpected news very well. So IF he's my biological father, I have a biological half (younger) sister...wow.
LOTS of the puzzle pieces seem to be fitting together and if this isn't him, I'm going to be extremely shocked. According to him, I look a lot like my biological mother. I believe that b/c when the Ga. Reunion Adoption Registry found her last May and she gave a physical description of herself that was a lot like my own.
IF, this man turns out to be my biological father, my biological mother is probably from my hometown. I was thinking for the last several years that she was from Carroll County and was looking there for info on my half brother. IF all this checks out, I have a good idea as to who my biological half brother is. We look a lot alike...I'm hoping to find out the name of the guy's mom over the weekend. IF it is what my potential biological father said, a lot more will check off...IF not, there are still possibilities in this.
A sweet friend told me a few times during the past 2 days that, "He's an on time God." She's so right and I'm so thankful for that reminder and I get caught up in the excitement and more waiting.
In all honesty, the excitement is starting to settle and reality is setting in. So many things I thought about my potential biological father(IF this turns out to be him), are probably wrong. He does care that I'm alive and well. He had no clue that I even existed up until 2 days ago. The fact that they couldn't find him in time, is more proof that God intended me to be with the Godwin family and I couldn't be more thankful for that. I even told my potential birth father that had he gotten to pick, he couldn't have picked a better one for me.
I could actually know who my biological half brother is and I must say, I'm so relieved to know that I never dated him when I still lived in Haralson County. Ha! Like I said, many pieces seem to be fitting together but only time will tell. I didn't know it was possible to feel so many different emotions all at once...overwhelmed, excitement, joy, confusion, exhaustion (not much sleep has taken place, but it's been worth it), and etc.
Another thing that came to mind is what IF, this woman is my birth mother but was with other men during that time? This kind man, who firmly believes that I'm his biological daughter, might not be my biological father after all. Either way, a DNA test will be done at some point.
Here's to a weekend of even more prayer and reading more as more waiting continues.
As for my family...they're amazing. They have been nothing but encouraging and supportive over the last 25 years as I have always been curious about my biological family. They're really excited (& cautious) about the process and I couldn't be more thankful for all they've done.
Thanks again to everyone who's been praying during this time!
Monday, September 21, 2009
8 years ago.
This time 8 years ago, I was getting ready for my first competition as color guard captain. Little did I know that I wouldn't get to compete at all. This coming Sunday, September 27, will mark the 8 year anniversary of my car accident. The accident that caused multiple scars, a broken arm, shoulder blade and a broken neck. I always start thinking back around this time every year and am filled with thankfulness for life in general. It's such a precious gift that I take for granted too often. When I look at the pictures of the car or my scars even, I'm reminded of just how blessed I am to not only be alive but to be walking as well.
For a while I struggled with my scars, hating the way they looked and the fact that they were permanent. That was probably due to some jerk suggesting I go ahead and get the ones on my face taken care of. I was 16 at the time and what 16 year old girl longs for scars? Ha. I actually had a conversation about the wreck with some new guy friends not too long ago and they said they had never noticed the scars on my face. They don't know how much that means to me. In the back of my mind, I still have some insecurities about them from time to time. But I'd take these scars any day! They serve as a reminder that I'm supposed to still be here and that God isn't finished with me yet.
This week I'm purposing the have a thankful heart and attitude. No, life isn't perfect but it's life and filled with blessings that I take for granted each day. Reflecting on this causes me to look back at the times I've clearly seen God's hand intervening on my behalf. All starting from even before I was born...that will be in a post another day this week. :) Praising Him today for His love and faithfulness.
For a while I struggled with my scars, hating the way they looked and the fact that they were permanent. That was probably due to some jerk suggesting I go ahead and get the ones on my face taken care of. I was 16 at the time and what 16 year old girl longs for scars? Ha. I actually had a conversation about the wreck with some new guy friends not too long ago and they said they had never noticed the scars on my face. They don't know how much that means to me. In the back of my mind, I still have some insecurities about them from time to time. But I'd take these scars any day! They serve as a reminder that I'm supposed to still be here and that God isn't finished with me yet.
This week I'm purposing the have a thankful heart and attitude. No, life isn't perfect but it's life and filled with blessings that I take for granted each day. Reflecting on this causes me to look back at the times I've clearly seen God's hand intervening on my behalf. All starting from even before I was born...that will be in a post another day this week. :) Praising Him today for His love and faithfulness.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Back from the blogging grave...
Guess who! Yep, yours truly. After talking with some sweet ladies this past weekend, I was reminded of how therapeutic blogging really is. So it's back to the blogging grindstone for multiple reasons. Reason one the whole therapeutic thing. Reason two is that I feel disconnected from several people due to my odd schedule with school, work, studying and running, it's hard to make time to keep in touch as much as I'd like.
Life is great and such a blessing. Yeah, I have my down days but I'm thankful. Mom, Dad and I were talking about the reasons God has had His hand on us so evidently over the years and while we don't have a definite answer that we can comprehend but we are so thankful. Over the next few weeks I'm going to post a few of the updates in specific segments so the blogs don't run too terribly long or get jumbled...so in those will be examples of the thankfulness.
Tomorrow I'm leaving for the weekend to go with the BCM to Fall Conference. It's basically a weekend conference for all of the BCM's in the Southern Baptist District to attend and get renewed. I'm looking forward to it, even though I am the "old lady" of the group. I've had to mentally prepare myself to see people that I used to teach in children's choir because some of them are in college now....sheesh. Either way, it will be a great bonding weekend with some of the DSC gang and hopefully a renewing time in Christ.
Life is great and such a blessing. Yeah, I have my down days but I'm thankful. Mom, Dad and I were talking about the reasons God has had His hand on us so evidently over the years and while we don't have a definite answer that we can comprehend but we are so thankful. Over the next few weeks I'm going to post a few of the updates in specific segments so the blogs don't run too terribly long or get jumbled...so in those will be examples of the thankfulness.
Tomorrow I'm leaving for the weekend to go with the BCM to Fall Conference. It's basically a weekend conference for all of the BCM's in the Southern Baptist District to attend and get renewed. I'm looking forward to it, even though I am the "old lady" of the group. I've had to mentally prepare myself to see people that I used to teach in children's choir because some of them are in college now....sheesh. Either way, it will be a great bonding weekend with some of the DSC gang and hopefully a renewing time in Christ.
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